Sunday Citar: Sisters

"Citar" is Spanish for "quote."  Sunday Citar is a time to share your favorite quotes and images, and to celebrate the memories of both.

This week I'm sharing the powerful love of my girls.  Sisters.  They love their parents, their friends, their baby brother.  But most of all they love each other, and no bond could be stronger.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."

"It's so much more friendly with two."

"My very best, best friend."

(All quotes from the great bear himself, Winnie the Pooh, a favorite of my girls.)

Nice to meet you.

I had a plan, and this was definitely not it.  I'd be at least thirty.  I'd have multiple degrees and a successful career.  I would have been married for years and spent time touring Europe (again) and driving across America (again).

But now I was sitting in a tiny room wearing a paper gown, giving Brandon updates over the phone while he worked.  Just days ago we had celebrated my twenty-second birthday and were making plans to attempt a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail.  And now?

I was pregnant.

That flu I thought I had was obviously something more.

I would have waited until he got home from work to take the test if I had actually thought it would be positive.  I took it kind of as an afterthought and set it aside.  By the time I washed my hands, there was that word staring back at me on the digital test.

PREGNANT.

I couldn't breathe.  I took a walk.  I took a drive.  I took another shower.  I took another walk.  My head was spinning.

OHMYGOD.  This is not happening.  This is not my plan.  Ten years from now, sure.  But now?  Not now.  I'm in college and my first degree is still a year away.  I have no career--I'm a career student.  We're going to Boston next month, and there goes that trip; we'll need the money.

NOT NOW!!  Please.  PLEASE!

Brandon came home and I couldn't tell him.  I just showed him the test, and then he took a walk.

And now here I was in this little room and they were putting cold gel on the wand of the ultrasound machine, looking to see just how pregnant I really was.  Did I know how far along I might be?  No, not a clue.  This wasn't supposed to happen, so I wasn't keeping track of things like that.

Up on the screen was gray and black fuzz, circles, moving lines, and numbers.  The ultrasound tech was really quiet.  I got dressed, and she led me into the doctor's office.  He sat down and looked solemnly at my baby face.

"It looks like there's nothing there but a sac.  We think we should be seeing something by now."

My head started spinning.  I was crying immediately and shaking my head.  (But isn't this what I wanted?  Didn't I want it all to go away?)

"Come back after the weekend if you don't miscarry on your own.  We'll take another look, but chances are that we'll have to do a D&C to get rid of what's left."

What's left.
He handed me some tissues and left me alone for a while.  After I cried (what was wrong with me?) my first round of tears, I walked out of the office, sat in my car, and called Brandon.

Those few days were some of the darkest of my life.  Guttural sobbing, no food, no sleep.  I could not figure out why I was so upset.  Life could go as planned now, right?  And I could finish college, hop on a plane anytime I wanted, grow up before I had to raise someone.  Why did the idea of these things seem so wrong now?

Brandon's mom drove me to the appointment.  He was working his minimum wage job and they fired people who didn't show up, no exceptions.  I never miscarried over the weekend, so I cradled my belly on the way to the office, thinking it would be the last time I'd be pregnant, even if it was with just a sac that never developed into a baby.  I kept thinking that I still felt pregnant and was already mourning the loss of that feeling.

At the office, the OB showed me to the ultrasound room and left me with the tech while he prepared for the D&C.  My mind was trying to be anywhere but here.  Those gray and black blobs popped up on the screen again, and I closed my eyes.  My chest ached as I tried not to cry.

"Why did the doctor say he needed to do a D&C?"
Why was she asking me this?  Couldn't she look at my chart?  So cruel.
"The baby didn't develop."  Tears.

"Really?"  Silence.  "See that right there?"  I opened my eyes and looked at the screen.  What was I seeing?  That infamous empty sac again?
"That's definitely a heart beat."

I stared at the screen, and I was crying more.  My hand flew up to cover my mouth as I just kept staring at that blinking on the screen.  From the seat next to me, my mother-in-law asked me, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

Good thing.  This is definitely a good thing.  I'll never forget that question, because it's the first time I realized the answer.  This baby was a perfect, good thing.

And this baby was supposed to happen.  I want this.  I want this for my new plan, and I want this for us.
As I called and told Brandon the good news, I could tell that he felt the same.  When I showed him the picture of our little baby with a heartbeat (and the words the tech typed, "Hi, Mom!"), he beamed with the pride I'd grow accustomed to seeing on his face.  This is what happiness feels like.

Our first family photo.  January 2006.

Six years and three beautiful children later, our lives are full of more adventure than we could have imagined back then.

College?  I finished my degree, taught fifth grade, and made another important decision--to stay at home with these kids that are my life.

Travel?  We travel often, as a party of five.

My age?  I have three children at an age before I thought I'd have even one.
And I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Our family today.  Julia, Brynn, and Sawyer (each one a miracle).

I will never forget those days of agony when I thought the baby I didn't even know I loved was gone.  I'm sure that this has something to do with the intense anxiety I feel throughout my pregnancies.
Brandon and I are overprotective parents now, admittedly.  We know that nothing in life is guaranteed, and we know how much our family means to us.  At least this experience helped us to make this realization.  The most we ever leave our kids is to run an errand, and we worry about them the whole time.  People joke with us about it, but nothing is more serious to us than the closeness of our family.

This is the family that might not have been.  This is the life that almost wasn't.  And we will cherish each child, each moment, each gift.

ETA: Each pregnancy has had a moment similar to this.  I had a subchorionic bleed/threatened miscarriage with Brynn at 8 weeks, but it resolved itself within a couple of months on its own.  I was on bed rest with Sawyer for pre-term labor.  With each pregnancy, I've learned even more to cherish the blessing of a healthy child.  I have come close to losing them, but thankfully have not had to experience what so many families have to endure.

The Day Our Lives Began

Dear Julia,

Today you turned five years old.  You are so excited to be five, but already you've told us you just want to stay five forever.  Trust me, sweet girl, I wish I could freeze this moment, too.

Five years ago at this time, I was sitting in the hospital room, nursing you constantly, and staring at you for hours on end.  I could not believe that you had just come out of me.  You were so perfect and so beautiful.  I watched your daddy change your first diaper and saw you try to hold your head up right from the start.  You've always been precocious.

I had never known love like I felt the moment I first saw you.  You were a surprise baby, and you were the best surprise your daddy and I have ever had.  The moment we became parents was the moment that we became a family instead of just a couple.  The bond that your birth started has just gotten stronger as we've added more siblings, but you started it all.  Before you were born, life had no real purpose; as soon as we met, I knew my purpose in life was to be the best mommy I could be and give you back all the love you make me feel.

I was so nervous when I was learning to be a mom.  I laugh now thinking about how scared I was to give you a bath, how I anguished over dressing you, and whether you were getting enough food.  Or sleep.  Or tummy time.  I must have done something right, because you are simply wonderful.

I want to remember forever that you were just like this at age five:

As a big five year old, you love to read.  You started reading small books when you were three, and now you're up to chapter books.  The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh is what you're reading to us at night right now, and we've decided to throw a Pooh party when you finish it.  I love that you take the time to read to your sister and brother, and books are constantly scattered around our house because you read so many of them a day!

Your favorite movies are any of the Disney Princess movies (sing-a-longs or films), Gumby: The Movie, Muzzy, and all Strawberry Shortcake films.  You watch "Yo Gabba Gabba!" with Brynn and you sing and dance together.  You also enjoy any of the shows on PBS Kids ("Dinosaur Train," "Sid the Science Kid," "Word World").

At night, you listen to The Magic Tree House books on CD, and you have about a million of them!

Playtime for you usually includes Princess figures and your toy Cinderella's Castle.  You come up with elaborate stories for them, and you shout, "Dreams come true!  Dreams come true!," just like you saw them do at Disney World.  One of your scenarios includes every character bringing a gift to the one having a birthday or getting married.  And there are hundreds of them.  You are very dedicated and will not allow us to clean up the mess until you are finished, which sometimes takes days.  Most of my time is spent trying to pick up your figures so I don't step on them.

For Christmas, you got a pink Barbie house, which is another toy getting thrown into the rotation.  You have decided to name your Ken dolls Speeder, John Handsome, and Nickel.  I've only heard one Barbie have a name, and that was Sylvia.

You play Wii games with your dad, and you both yell at the screen, though you have no idea what you're yelling or what it means--you just want to be like him.  Games are some of your favorite things.  We've played Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, Pretty Pretty Princess, Tic-Tac-Toe, and more.  However, you're infamous for scattering pieces all over the house, so we rarely have all the parts we need to play!  Recently, you've started playing Scrabble with us in a modified way.  And you win, because you're definitely a better speller than we are.  Or at least better than your dad, for sure.

I keep thinking that you're growing out of the dress-up phase, but then you see Brynn dressing up and your interest is high again.  The two of you play together and fight together.  I enjoy watching you girls play your made-up games (like "Gifts" and "Princess Party") that have rules only the two of you understand.  And you love your baby brother so much, too.  You're constantly telling him, "I'm right here, buddy.  It's okay, I'm right here."  He calms down when you talk to him or rub his head.  Since he was born, you've spent hours reading him books and giving him toys.  You're such a big help to me.

When you grow up, you say you want to be a chef, a nature photographer, a veterinarian, a doctor, a teacher, a scientist, and a dancer.  You spend lots of time cooking, taking pictures, exploring, experimenting, and dancing, so I have no doubt that you could do all of those things.

You're in a phase of making up jokes, too...except that the punchline is almost always, "Because he was eating beans!!!"  And then, there's your famous one of, "Why did the flower die in the spring?  Because he wasn't a flower at all; he was candy!" 

Uhm...you might might want to work on those.  Not sure you're quite getting the concept of a joke.  And you're funny enough without trying.

You give us so much joy and make us laugh all the time. 

"Reach for the stars, but watch your head!"

"God said, 'Wake up and eat marshmallows.' And we woke up and ate them.  And it was good."

"Oh, really?  I just moved here  from Botswana!"

Pineapple pizza, celery, carrots, apples, peanut butter sandwiches, and chicken nuggets are foods I can always get you to eat. I still water down your juice, but you remind me that you don't want to drink much of it because it has sugar...though you don't seem to mind sugar in the form of candy or cake.

You're a wonderful artist, and your various drawings (especially of rainbows) cover our fridge, art display board, and walls.

I want to remember you as you are at this moment, but I am also excited to watch you grow and accomplish all the things I know you will.  You are kind, funny, thoughtful, compassionate, creative, and determined.  You are the most precious five year old I know.

When all this ice and snow melts, we'll have a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party for you on Sunday, and everyone there will love you and tell you that these five years with us has been the best five years of their lives, just like they have been for your daddy and me.  May you have many, many more years of living life to the fullest.  I am proud to have given birth to you, and I will spend my life in awe of all that you are.

I love you more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Mom

A Letter to My Son at 6 Months Old

**The main reason I started this blog a couple of months ago was so it could act as a written account of the lives of my children.  It's a baby book of sorts, and I hope that one day they can sit and read about the things they used to say and do and see pictures of their cuteness.  Most of all, I want them to know their mom loves them.
This is an entry for Sawyer to document his life at six months old.**

Dear Sawyer,

I knew as soon as I found out I was pregnant with you that you were a boy.  I'm not sure if it was a gut feeling, a mother's intuition, or just a sincere longing, but I knew.  We kept your pregnancy a secret for three months, and I spent hours of that time rubbing my belly and talking to the baby I knew would be my "Mommy's Boy."  In February 2010, we went for an ultrasound that confirmed what I already knew--you'd be our first boy.  While we were in the midwife's office, it started snowing.  Since it hardly ever snows here, I took it as a sign that something soft and pure, perfect and unique would soon be coming into our lives.  I knew I'd never forget that moment.

Your birth in July was so calm and full of so much love.  It's almost as if you didn't want to make much trouble for me, and I went through most of labor with only a bad tummyache and pushed you out within two minutes.  I reached down and delivered you myself, pulling you up onto my chest.  Perfection.


Going to be weighed. 8lbs 8 oz



My Old Soul, 1 Day Old

That's still your personality--calm, not wanting to make much of a fuss.

You began to nurse immediately, and you really haven't stopped since.  You turned six months old yesterday, and all 21 pounds of you has been grown only with breastfeeding.  I am proud of you for that.  I'm proud of both of us.  No bottles, no solid food, just Mommy.  You're bigger than lots of babies and have been wearing 9 month sized clothing for a month now.   You wear Blueberry cloth diapers on the largest setting and FuzziBunz in size medium.

Sweet boy, you have had us smiling from the beginning.  When you were first born, you whimpered like a puppy when you were sleeping, and we'd watch you and listen to you instead of sleeping ourselves.  At first, you would nap in a Pack-n-Play cradle and sleep at night with us.  You started rolling over from your back to your belly at about two months old, so the cradle had to go.  From then on, it was just our big bed for you, until a few days ago.  We decided that leaving you on the bed is now too dangerous because you're so roly-poly, so we bought you a crib and placed it beside our bed.  Now you nap there, and sleep at night in our bed with us.  I love cuddling with you all night.  You always want to be touching me in some way, whether it's nursing or curling up your feet and putting them on my leg.  And honestly?  I want that, too.

One day you'll have a room of your own, I promise.  But for now, I nurse you and rock you to sleep every single time.  I know that the time you'll allow me to do this is fleeting, and I love watching your still-baby-grey eyes getting heavy as you drift off, then gently placing you next to me to rest.

At half a year old, you already love to play.  Taggie blankets are a favorite, mostly because you love anything you can put in your mouth!  You love to chew on the one my friend Miranda made for you, as well as one shaped like a starfish that your sisters didn't enjoy and passed on to you.  We have to keep a supply of cold teethers ("colds," as your sisters call them) for you to gnaw on, too.  So far, no teeth.  And I'm pretty grateful for that.  So far, no sickness, either, unless you count the runny nose you had on Christmas, and I don't count that since it was gone in a day and didn't bother you.

As far as other toys, you've got a fascination with Tiggers (Is it the bold colors?  Or the tail?) and dressed as Tigger for Halloween, along with both of your sisters.

If it has lights and makes music, chances are it's a toy you love.  For Christmas, Santa brought you a tool bench that does both things; he must have known that our house is filled with princess toys and that you needed something a little more manly.  We had our first white Christmas in decades, and I just knew it was for you.  Again, it made me realize how pure and perfect you are, and as I'm writing this to mark six months of your life, I'm waiting for it to start snowing again.

We put you on a blanket in the floor with several toys, and immediately you flip onto your belly, where you raise yourself up high on your hands and look around.  You can flip back over to your back, but you hate to do it (too fast a motion, maybe) and will fuss until I turn you over or until you give up and just do it yourself.

You are the third baby to use the toy chair that you adore, even though it's lost lots of the toys through the years.  You're so curious about how everything works, and you love getting to stand up in it.

You're so curious about the world, in fact, that you have always wanted to face outward when in a baby carrier so you can see what's going on.

If I'm rocking you in a chair, you want to sit facing outward, as well.  The only time you want to be cradled like a baby is when you're nursing; otherwise, I think you are afraid you'll fall asleep and miss something.  And as for sitting?  You learned to do that on your own this week.  You can sit for about 30 seconds to a minute before toppling over and moving on to play some more.

You're growing up so fast.  Sometimes I swear it sounds like you're saying, "Yeah," and "Hey."  You can chatter away with everyone, and smile and laugh like you're following every conversation.  Peek-a-Boo makes you laugh because you giggle every time you get scared.  And then you try to scare people with your grunting and blowing raspberries!   I am usually covered in your slobbery kisses, drool, and spit-up, and I don't mind one bit.  Your sisters adore you and will sing to you and play games with you often.  Julia wants to take care of you and make you happy.  When you fuss, she says, "It's okay, Sawyer, I'm right here," and you calm down.  She reads you books and will sing your favorite song, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," which almost always makes you relaxed.  Brynn is only two, so she can't do as much for you, but she constantly brings me blankets that she says are yours and wants me to give them to you.  She'll rub your almost-bald head (which Julia says looks "just like a peach") and is very interested in what you're all about.
I've never met such a content baby.  And that's not just me being a proud mom--it's what everyone says.  Your grandparents are all especially smitten. You have everyone you meet wrapped around your chubby little finger and people comment to me often about how sweet and calm and happy you are.
And you ARE all those things.
People can pass you around and carry you like a sack of potatoes, and you just enjoy the ride.  And I enjoy that no matter how much fun you're having with someone else, you always look for me and give me a big slobbery grin when you realize I haven't gone anywhere.  I'm right there with you.  Always.

I know that people think babies can't do much in the first six months after being born, but they are wrong.

You're the first grandson and great-grandson in our huge family to carry on the family name.

You've helped my heart grow even bigger to make room for enough love for three kids, and each time I see you smile, it grows even more.

In six short months, you've managed to fill the hole of what was missing in our family and make us more complete.  We all love you more than we could have ever imagined, and we can feel your love for us.

Thank you for blessing us.

Love,

Mommy

Top Ten Tuesday--Things for Which I'm Thankful

Thanksgiving has come and gone...

... but every single day should be a day of thanks.  So today, I'm joining Katie at Sluiter Nation for one of her famous Top Ten Tuesdays.  Today, Things for Which I'm Thankful.
1. I am thankful for my husband and three beautiful, healthy, brilliant kids.  In my eyes, they are perfect.  I love their quirkiness, I love their wisdom, and, yes, I even love their moods (we'll see if I stand by that later).  Brandon came along and allowed me to love someone completely for the first time, and when I gave life to my children, they gave me life, as well.

You knew the sappy stuff was gonna be there.  I pretty much gush over these people constantly, and that's the way it should be.  You knew I was thankful before I even said it, huh?

2.  I am thankful for the rest of my crazy family.  I am surrounded by a group of creative, neurotic, outspoken family members.  They are spectacular.  My kids couldn't ask for better grandparents, aunts, and uncles.  Do they spoil my kids?  Yes.  Do I get frustrated with them more often than I should?  Probably.  But do they know how much I love them and appreciate them?  Absolutely.

3.  I am thankful that I get to be a stay-at-home mom.  I probably don't say that one enough.  Honestly, we are a paycheck-to-paycheck family so that I can have the luxury of staying home and being with my kids every second of every day...and so they can have the luxury of me being here, I suppose.  I am pretty much always covered in spit-up or spilled juice or markers or thrown food.  I yearn for conversation that does not involve Disney Princesses or Dora.  But I would never, NEVER want another job.

4.  I am thankful for coffee.  I wouldn't make it through the day if it weren't for my daily cup of caffeine and creamer.  I love the way it smells and the way it warms my throat and belly.  I love it on ice during the warm months.  I love ice cream flavored with it and don't mind the stinky breath at all.

Brandon might mind that.

But I don't care, because I loved it before I loved him, and I'm not giving up my Joe!

5.  I am thankful for my childhood.  Now, this might shock some of you.  I admit that I did not like my mom and biological father being divorced and schlepping over to his house every other weekend and two weeks in the summer.  To this day, I still complain about that.  But my step-dad, my DAD, more than made up for that whole debacle.  He's the dad I remember, since I was only three when he married my mom and we moved over to his farm.  I'm thankful for that farm, too.  Growing up in the middle of nowhere, with the mountains and animals and quiet...well, that pretty much formed my personality.  And now, my kids love visiting this place that shaped my life and they love the people that shaped it, too.

I wanted for nothing.  I was given love and never harmed.  I had a mom, a dad, a brother, and several steps.  I was able to be involved in just about every extracurricular activity, though that didn't always turn out so well (hello, softball, basketball...any kind of sport).  Hopefully my kids will get the same warm-fuzzies I get when thinking back on childhood.

6.  I am thankful for my boobs (talk about your warm-fuzzies!).  As a teenager, this is something I would have never said.  I always complained about their size (or lack of size, rather) and thought I'd hate them forever.
And then they fed my first child, and I watched her get chubby and be healthy and glowing.
And then they fed my second child, and I watched as she grew quickly and never got sick and loved to eat.
And now they are feeding my son, and I'm watching him turning into a cute, chunky, strong little boy.
I've looked at these radiant, thriving, fat roll-covered babies and thought, I DID THAT.  On milk they got from only me, they gained all that wonderful weight and were satisfied.  They fell asleep in that amazing milk-drunk stupor that I've cherished since the first time I witnessed it.  They got immunities they wouldn't have otherwise had.
Not bad for a chest that used to embarrass me.  Now I think of them as my best feature.

7.  I am thankful for Disney World.  Those of you who know me knew that was coming.  It really is the most magical place on earth.  We already have amazing family memories from this place (I'm sure you'll be hearing more about that as our next trip approaches), and I can't wait to make more.  I actually LIKE the commercialism of this place.  Go figure.  The Mouse knew what he was doing.  Every day is happier with a little Disney in it.
And my kids are really happy I think so.

8.  I am thankful for bathtubs.  
Oh, Heavens. 
I do love me a long soak.
My husband knows that if he ever wants me to relax (ahem.), he should just buy me some bath salts and send me upstairs with no kids and a book.
My kids have inherited this from me; we all stay in the water until we're pruny, and we love it.

9.   I am thankful for books.  I have loved to read since I was three years old.  I own more books than should be allowed, but I will NEVER give any away.  I love each of them as individuals.  I smell them, I thumb through them, I highlight passages.  I am getting all weepy just thinking about it.  Books were my friends when I didn't have any human friends.  My childhood books have been passed down to my own children, and Julia started reading at age 3, too.  Hopefully, my love of books passes on to them (so far, so good). 
Here's some trivia for those of you who don't know me, or those who don't know me well.  Brynn's middle name (Elizabeth) is after Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice.  Sawyer is named for Tom Sawyer, and his middle name is Bennett (from that same Pride and Prejudice family, but with an added 't'...my husband insisted, for some reason).
Poor Julia.  She's named after a Beatles song.

10.  I am thankful for my friends.  That means all of you.  You know who you are.
Honestly, I don't have that many friends IRL (in real life).  Trust issues?  Maybe.  If you're reading here, chances are that I do consider you a friend, online or IRL.  When I'm feeling down, you lift me up, and I hope to do the same for you.

So, there's my first Top Ten, and I could honestly go on and on.  You probably know me a little better now, and as you can see, I am one blessed lady.